I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
