I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
