"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
