help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
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I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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