i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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