RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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