I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
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The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
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ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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