At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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