but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
tequila makes me forget i have legs
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
