so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize