It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
