I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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