you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Randomize
