you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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