I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
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The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize