She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
