That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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