By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
