My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
