Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
