Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
