If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Did I show you my penis last night?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
