I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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