i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
