he shaved USA in his pubs
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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