someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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