I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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