we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
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The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
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saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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