Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
