hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
