seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
