what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
