I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
