A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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