Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
