Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
