those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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