For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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