I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
