i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
