I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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