So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.