Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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