ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
