I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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