He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
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I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
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You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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