youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
This is classic penis vs brain.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
