things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize