You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
