I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
