I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
