So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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