I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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